Perg's alone is not nearly as gratifying as being surrounded by the brightest, most caring and real people in santa cruz.

I woke up in the middle of the night and spent some time blinking and tossing around and then finally fell back to sleep, only to dream a reality i would pay money to see. Nas's alarm woke me out of the dream but it was at a point where i didn't mind waking from it because it had already filled me will that sense of satisfaction and joy and hope and i was complete because of it. Getting lost in a dream to the point where both in your dream and when you wake, you believe it really happened and the feeling, the warmth, the hole it filled, sticks even when you attempt to rationalize with yourself "what was not real. it was just a dream."

I can't...i can't think to type clearly. i've been way too restless lately. maybe it is the approach of the birthday of one rachael patrick. maybe it is the fact that in december, it'll be two years. I'm almost all cried out. last night there was a song playing in marianne's that nearly wrecked me. little things. little things that people don't even notice can often have the biggest impact. she's love. rachael patrick is loved. and missed. but loved. that's what's important. it is easy to miss someone when they are gone. holding on the the love and charishing it is a lot harder. she's loved. (which explains the user picture icon.)

a lot of thinking. a lot of feeling trapped inside what/who i have always been while attempting to become what i am to be. a lot, and i mean a lot, of feeling like i cannot make sense. in my head things are fairly clear, when i open my mouth to share, it is a jumbled mess of words i stumble over. maybe i need another language. english just isn't cutting it. at the poet last night i wormed my way into a convo about russian history and language with a bunch of russian born college kids and it made me really really happy.

i'm cold. perg's is cold in the shade. i should go. i'm kinda lost on where to go though. hipps is gone. nas is gone. mira's gone. in theory, stephjoy's gone. remy and vanessa are gone. lesley and lindsey are both gone. julio's phone is never on. colby and des just aren't calling.

maybe i'll find a sunny park to lay in.